Monday, November 26, 2012

Reflection in a Mirrored Ceiling

All day long, I sat perplexed: How is it almost December, I wondered. 

"I can't believe it's almost December," I said to coworker and friends on repeat, still unable to grasp that the year has passed so fast and yet, in each marked event, so entirely slow.


"Do you like what they did in here," a stranger in the elevator asked me this morning as she rode up with me, accidentally going up when she meant to go down.

"No," I admitted, "I liked to look up and check my face in the reflection," I continued as we both tilted our heads to look above us and see a once reflective ceiling was now matte. "And now I can't do that anymore". 

She chuckled and wished me a good day as I exited to my floor, returning to work after a restful Thanksgiving break, wondering all day long just when did it become the year's end? Where did it go? And I think back to each time I looked up at that reflection in the elevator and how many faces and changes and loves and loses I've gone through - not just in this year, but in these five year's past.


I'm not ready to revisit the events of this year just yet; its still a few weeks too premature, but goodness gracious if I don't feel it propelled me absolutely forward. Like a slingshot of pulling angels; curious to see where I fall.

I have been resistant to love this year, I admit. But I feel I was open enough to it at the same time to let go and move on enough to love myself more than love itself. That, for me, is a huge accomplishment. The girl who fell in love with love, left love to find herself - once and for all. Admittedly still learning, I do believe I'm on the right path now: Re-enforced by a psychic two weeks ago in Miami. Also noted by her (in addition to being on the right path - after a while seeking it):
1. I am estranged from a parent; I didn't get the attention I wanted there 2. I am writing a book; something is stopping me at the moment, but keep going - it will be successful3. I can find love, but I can never keep it - I help these men and then they move on (improved); I was once married (incorrect, but I do refer to The Ex as the divorce) and he drug me into his "money" problems; which I corrected into depression, which turned into money problems for me
4. 2013 will be a prosperous year for me5. I am an extremely spiritual person; my abilities are getting stronger, but do not ignore them because they will not go away, 6. I can help people7. I have a negative energy and need and aura cleansing; this may have resulted in playing with a Ouija board as a kid8. I will find true love; the timeline is not know but it is a concern that haunts me and I will find true love; be patient, it's coming.

The energy in that room, unlike last year's psychic, I found to be entirely agitating. I left feeling deflated, annoyed and that everything in there was bad. Perhaps the negativity she picked up from me was simply the negative energy I picked up from her room. And that energy finally faded from me in hours (seriously hours) after leaving and I finally realized her reading was all good things. And totally accurate. Ouija board included - unfortunately. And that my dreams and visions and "abilities" had gotten so insane in recent weeks that I had predicted a friend's DUI stop and encouraged another to go to a doctor specifically for a condition that it turned out she had: A symptom-less condition, mind you. She is now getting the medical treatment she needs that she would have not otherwise gotten, and likely have had fatal results. 

With all of them items - book included, as well as it's temporary pause - all true, I took a moment to appreciate the term "true love" as my girlfriend - who was also read - admitted her jealousy of the word "true" missing from her own reading of her loves.

When this blog became all about matters of the heart, I'll never quite know. Even this entry was suppose to be about something else entirely, I'm sure. I did want to make note that after four men, 11 dates and one guy I cancelled on and never met, I removed myself from the observation deck of dating. It is at once an ego fluff and a tragic view of what's not out there and how very specifically picky I am - which also helped me come to this conclusion as well: How hard it is to find some you like who "gets" you and how lucky I am to have found it time and again, despite the pain in the loss. 

But recent events in this weird world of single and dating have reminded me of a past I've left behind with reason and thus, I have removed myself from the dating pool (having been leaning towards that anyways) as of last week. Ironically though, I find myself more inclined to fall in love than before. Nearly more open to sacrificing my time alone to share my bed with more than just my remotes again, then I was before strange things began to transpire (I hear you universe). Almost open, but terrified at the same time. And then all of these things I have found alone, I remain scared to lose. I fight to stay open-minded enough that online dating is not a reflection of my own reality and to remind myself that I was strong enough to pull myself away from HG to save me, even though, at the time, I wanted nothing more than to be forever close to him. Right there, I did it right: I was open to love, but aware of myself: I should write that memo to fear; I am my own sense of security.

While life is random with fast years composed of slowing ticking time, each moment is ours to own. No one can take that away from us. Love comes when it will on it's own terms, but I do believe that timing is everything times a million, not because second hands matter, but because what goes on in the heart hurts, heals and learns over time and that we have to be patched and open to accept it again. We have to be willing to give up ourselves and trust in the other person that they won't ask us to give up who we are alone to be together. Each moment is a reflection in a mirrored ceiling of an elevator; each second that passes changes who we are and takes us just one step closer to who we are meant to be. I'm glad I'm on the right path. I hope she's right.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Walking Into a Wall of Duh

It took months - and an episode of Ice Loves Coco - to realize:

He never broke my heart.­ He never had it. I never gave it to him. He gave me butterflies. I loved them. I nurtured them. And then he stole them from me. He killed them. All the beautiful butterflies he had born. And that broke my spirit. My heart simply re-acted. It is far too easy to fall for whimsy.


After PE, I was devastated. I chalked that up to it affecting my entire group of friends – since we shared them. I chalked it up to complete and utter embarrassment. I chalked it up to being one of the women I told myself I’d never be; fooled by a man-boy. In a sense, that was easy to move past; so many things to blame and it was nothing like love.

After HG, I was devastated. I had no idea why. Was I falling in love? Maybe. Was I there yet? No. I was careful. I was tip-toeing and testing. I was certain I wasn't going to end up on my face like I did with PE and be caught off guard, not listening to my intuition. So I listened and I ended it, completely secure in the idea that my decision to do so was the right one, yet finding no comfort in that certainly. For months, it plagued me. Why was I left so broken by a boy I knew for only a short time - who only proved to me that I had learned and grown from PE? Why was I devastated to be right? Why was it so hard to move forward and beyond? Why was I so completely and utterly stuck?


Last night I was watching a episode of Ice Loves Coco (don’t judge) and he said something to the effect of how amazing it is when two people find someone that doesn't only put up with them, but loves them despite all of their quirks. And when that happens, it is reason to celebrate.

[Edit: The episode was on again a few days after I posted this, so I recorded the audio,]

DING! After all the talk of butterflies last week, it finally dawned on me: HG had awakened butterflies – something I’d not experienced 7 years – and put all of them in my stomach at once with every kiss, touch, caress. And despite what a bad idea I thought it was initially, who can ignore that many fluttering wings?!

So, after realizing my initial apprehensions were right and I ended it, for months after, I still didn't feel like myself. Honestly, I thought about the failure of a relationship more than I should have - all while trying to figure out why I was still thinking about it (talk about an obnoxious cycle). It took 10 fucking months to realize that I had simply been mourning the loss of my butterflies. I mourned the loss of finding a person that meshed with my weirdness; each other's quirks we found endearing. It wasn't really about losing him; it was about losing the butterflies.

It makes so much sense now; like walking into a wall of duh. The past 12 years of falling in and out of love and lust makes so, so much sense. Butterflies are really wonderful things – though painfully hard to lose, as revelations would tell.

But quiet wings are not lost: One day they will flap again. And that's all anybody ever really needs to know. Keep chasing butterflies, kids.