Yesterday I had lunch with a friend – and past roommate, actually, who met me when I was in the middle of PE, saw me come out of it, was there through HG and has seen me rise past all of them and back into a certain lightness. The weight of so many things has become a burden of the past for me…and for her. We are both lighter, I remarked. And we both smiled a little; both at each other and for ourselves. We’re total opposites, but living together found ourselves helping the other through different things. Without being put together by the total randomness of life, we’d never have met – and it took a while for us to even talk despite living four feet away. But maybe that’s it gives us such a different outlook; perhaps it’s those kinds of black and white, oil and water, unexpected kindnesses that make the best kind of things in life. And so we discussed and I found myself realizing for the first time in my life that when I said “I don’t want a relationship right now” that I really, truly meant it; the liberty of missing no one. So that’s going to make what I have to say next, not make any sense at all.
I’m joining a dating website. I know, right? Now let me tell you why.
Last weekend – not this past weekend – I was girlfriend N’s house for a “family” dinner. When you get into your late 20s, your friends become more family than your family. I find this concept so increasingly sweet and they are some of the most enjoyable moments of life. So sitting down after dinner, one of the boys in the house was looking through his OK Cupid account. I have never been interested online dating, but I am curious by nature and always wondered how they worked. I asked if I could look through his profile and whatnot. Scrolling through the girls, I found myself making comments to the absolute entertainment of the other five people there. This was like people watching without having to leave the house! (And that's like my favorite hobby next to eating.) Next, I looked through my gay friend’s profiles and matches and then girlfriend C’s.
OMGoodness! I WAS LIKE A JUDGMENTAL KID IN A FAT PEOPLE STORE!
OMGoodness! I WAS LIKE A JUDGMENTAL KID IN A FAT PEOPLE STORE!
I did this for hours and then decided, once others’ curiosities got involved and they started to remark as well, that we need a “book club”. Essentially that
they we would all remain on/join an online dating site and then meet once/twice a month to brunch and discuss the ridiculousness that is online dating. The fugs; the crazies; the paper-baggers (like Olympic swimmers: good body, bad face); the weird messages; and the whatever else happens in situations like this. I’m in it for the laughter, the judgment-free judging; the company of friends, and the ego fluffs.
It will be like my going to the grocery store on speed! Last week the clerk greeted me with, “forgive me, but you are stunningly beautiful. ::pause:: Well, don’t forgive me, but you are beautiful”. And then, after picking up the LIFE on Marilyn Monroe, proceeded to tell me that I was far more attractive than her; he said it with such sincerity and it was totally flattering (albeit, unbelievable to me) and (somehow) not creepy. This, unlike the creepy man the week before in another store of the same chain who came up to me as I was nabbing my weekly supply of ice cream and nervously asked where the nearest CVS was; After 2 minutes and 4 mentions of being new to the area, I realized what was going on, but it was too late. The 5’10”, 50 something, slightly sweating, balding man asked me to coffee in the middle of the frozen food aisle.
“No thank you,” I said politely, as I walked away wondering if he was delusional or if I’m just getting ugly. I’m counting that as his Hail Mary; the store closed in five minutes.
However, I am beyond apprehensive to join a site. Embarrassed. Resistant. Just not my cup of tea. I am not interested in online dating – even though PI is convinced this is a rouse that covers up the hope that it all pans out. Hand to the Lord: It’s not. Allow me to expand, via the three paragraph start to an entry I began about this last week:
The control of one’s on destiny – quite the illusion; kinda like saying you’ll drink vodka and then drive home. Neither is a good idea, nor actually possible without being completely illegal and probably slightly dangerous. I think when we try to control elements in our lives, is when the universe exerts the most force to prove a point that you, in fact, have no say in the matter of your life what-so-ever. And it checks in on the regular.
So I went to a good girlfriend’s wedding this Saturday. Beautiful ceremony; gorgeous bride; handsome groom; so incredibly perfect for one another it makes you believe still in love and fate. And then you had enjoyed ouzo and vodka at the open bar and forgot a little of the night and hope you only sort of made and ass out of yourself – just enough so that you hope they do the same at your wedding and everyone has a good laugh. This, at once, makes me realize that 1. I am completely ill-prepared to be married at the moment and 2. It doesn’t matter anyway; when fate rolls through, you just have to be fate’s bitch. I am not disillusioned from this fact.
I am under the impression that when the universe is ready, he will come and find me. And no matter of searching or online scavenging will speed up that process. Another friend is on an (online) hunt for a husband - and hats of to her - but I all I can think is, she tries so hard and I just don't care and yet we're still in the same single place. Kudos to those who make online dating work for them, but it’s just not for me – it’s not that story that I want. So completely against my character – and the fact that I’m not looking for a relationship (and yes, I’m aware my previous statements admitted that’s beyond my control anyway) – I’m signing up for an online dating site. However, I have no intentions on going on any dates. I’m starting a “Book Club”.
And I am; I just couldn’t let the idea stay inside my head. And as the proprietor of the invention, I had to take part. I said if N filled out a profile, then I would – since she was hesitant as well. She fulfilled her end, but I’m still bartering. I'm in denial. I'm dragging my feet, avoiding the subject. Damn being a woman of my word! But maybe it will be okay as long as I don’t end up on this list (which was really the catalyst to my idea). People are crazy, guys! - and I think I found the pool they all hang out in. I'm going to observation deck to watch; I'll report back.
End note: Gah! I thought writing about it would make it more appealing. I still don’t want to do this. At all. Hopefully it’s good entertainment…