Tuesday, November 22, 2011

August Revelations

I have been feeling particularly existential this week. Well, yesterday into today. Weeks start on Mondays, not Sundays.

After my whole “health” scare a few months ago – reaching a finality just yesterday - I am happy to report that I am back to normal. My hormones are back to normal. And everything is in proper working order again and I return to a full-functioning 28 year old lady (who one day hopes to create spawn). I will never go on NuvaRing again. That aside, I am fascinated with the resilience of the human body – and remain convinced, once again, that I will provide the first male grandchild for my momma, as my sisters only seem to produce girls. (She said she’s going to vacuum seal all the boy baby clothes she’s collected over the years if that’s the case, "so they don’t dry rot".)

I told her not to worry. I do think she is half-convinced I’ll end up an old maid, but at least she doesn’t think I’m an alcoholic slut anymore. Thanks, mom! (I don’t twist words. Me? Never.) And while I don't plan to be an old maid, I think my independence secretly makes her nervous.

Someone posted something on Facebook today that read something like: Let your past make you better, not bitter. And I found it fitting, having spent my past few days truly appreciating all of the grime I spent the past year (or five, really) dealing with. I’m nearly thankful now that I went through all that. It taught me so much. And, while thinking about it all, I realize some of it was deep-seeded things from my ex – as the pink elephant was my first crush after him. And to be honest, I crushed six months before the end (though the end started long before). He was the first person that showed me that there was someone else out there I found suitable to date. I got stuck. It was a vacuum. I sacrificed myself. I didn’t realize I was; but I did. He was the physical catalyst. I’m picky and he made me realize I had other choices, while everything was really starting to fall apart. I don’t know why I did that - why my brain made that connection - but I think that was part of it. Certainly not all of it, as we did get along very well, but I allowed myself to be put in a position where I excused how I was being treated and rewrote my own rules of love and lust and relationships to suit what I was in. I ignored my intuition. And scrambled to find a way out of something that made me cry…and nearly seek therapy. It became a revolving door. And I was finally flung out of it. (Thank you, Universe.)

It took much longer than I have previously realized to learn remember that I am happy. Just me. To recapture the first six months after moving out with my ex, before I started seeing the pink elephant - reminiscing the "youth" of those months. And now I know that if anything throws a wrench into that happiness, it isn’t welcomed in my life. The people that you “choose” to keep in your life are just that: Choices. We are blessed with friends. And we have the awesome power to “choose” this extended family we want to hold close to our hearts and share our most profound moments and life choices with. Friends are the family you choose: Isn't that what they say? And a partner is the most significant of friends.

The best friend guy that was confused when I was breaking in July and was wretching me more chatted me after a few months yesterday. It went like this:

A: what's up, stranger?
 me: whoa. hey.
  i miss you a little. but don't let that go to your head.
 A: awww.
too late. me: haha.
 A: miss ya too
[…talking about meeting up over thanksgiving] 
me:   i need to hear about your life.
A: I've just been super busy lately. […his business]
me: ah.
well, everything's good over here. kinda great. actually.
 A: yeah?
 me: *kow *
  ya. i'm almost thankful for the whole [pink elephant] fiasco now.
  i've grown. a lot.
A: go on...
 me: haha.
  idk what to go on about?
 A: how have you grown, I mean?
me: i realized i think that some of the [pink elephant] stuff was deep seeded [ex] stuff.
  but that's kinda irrelvant.
i just know who i am. and what i deserve.  and that my intuition is spot on.
  and that i can't listen to other people, but i have to trust myself.
  and thank god i'm out of that situation.
  anything that makes me anything other than smile in a relationship isn't something worth it.
i'm happy alone. i really am. and anyone that makes me anything less than that isn't worth a damn. A: that's awesome
 me: august revelations, we'll call them. lol
A: yeah. other people can't make you happy. only you can do that.
  lot of talks with the therapist about that.
me: ya. its true though.
  and i find it a very frustrating item in life that it's only when you're happy alone that people gravitate towards you and pair up.
  or at least that's my experience.
  cause now i'm like "ehhhhhhhh...ya. idk. i kinda like it just being me. thats all i have to worry about and i can do that"
 A: life's weird.

Yea it is.

And I'm moving forward. No walls. No bitterness. And no suppose-to-bes. Every bad thing that happens is probably just put there to teach us something we hadn't picked up yet on our own. So, are some people cursed with unfortunate luck? No, they're probably just stubborn.

This is my official resignation of my own stubbornness. ::crosses fingers:: I have learned so much. I am not bitter, but better. I am happy and healthy. My heart is whole and mine and forgiving. And I refuse to ever again accept anything less than exactly what I know I deserve. Which, to be honest, is a lot. Because when it comes down to it, all we really want is to pair up with someone that thinks we're as awesome as we think we are: Appreciation, I think it's called. Maybe it only comes with age...or the resignation of stubbornness, but it's going to take something really fantastic now for me to relinquish the "ehh, idk"'s of being just me.




Ashli said...

Amazingly put.

I love reading your blog. I love the stories, I love watching you grow and learn.

But don't we all?

I should comment more. I'm going to comment more.

Cellar Door said...

YES! :)

Cellar Door said...

Oh. Also, thank you!!!