All day long, I sat perplexed: How is it almost December, I wondered.
"I can't believe it's almost December," I said to coworker and friends on repeat, still unable to grasp that the year has passed so fast and yet, in each marked event, so entirely slow.
"Do you like what they did in here," a stranger in the elevator asked me this morning as she rode up with me, accidentally going up when she meant to go down.
"No," I admitted, "I liked to look up and check my face in the reflection," I continued as we both tilted our heads to look above us and see a once reflective ceiling was now matte. "And now I can't do that anymore".
She chuckled and wished me a good day as I exited to my floor, returning to work after a restful Thanksgiving break, wondering all day long just when did it become the year's end? Where did it go? And I think back to each time I looked up at that reflection in the elevator and how many faces and changes and loves and loses I've gone through - not just in this year, but in these five year's past.
I'm not ready to revisit the events of this year just yet; its still a few weeks too premature, but goodness gracious if I don't feel it propelled me absolutely forward. Like a slingshot of pulling angels; curious to see where I fall.
I have been resistant to love this year, I admit. But I feel I was open enough to it at the same time to let go and move on enough to love myself more than love itself. That, for me, is a huge accomplishment. The girl who fell in love with love, left love to find herself - once and for all. Admittedly still learning, I do believe I'm on the right path now: Re-enforced by a psychic two weeks ago in Miami. Also noted by her (in addition to being on the right path - after a while seeking it):
1. I am estranged from a parent; I didn't get the attention I wanted there 2. I am writing a book; something is stopping me at the moment, but keep going - it will be successful3. I can find love, but I can never keep it - I help these men and then they move on (improved); I was once married (incorrect, but I do refer to The Ex as the divorce) and he drug me into his "money" problems; which I corrected into depression, which turned into money problems for me
4. 2013 will be a prosperous year for me5. I am an extremely spiritual person; my abilities are getting stronger, but do not ignore them because they will not go away, 6. I can help people7. I have a negative energy and need and aura cleansing; this may have resulted in playing with a Ouija board as a kid8. I will find true love; the timeline is not know but it is a concern that haunts me and I will find true love; be patient, it's coming.
The energy in that room, unlike last year's psychic, I found to be entirely agitating. I left feeling deflated, annoyed and that everything in there was bad. Perhaps the negativity she picked up from me was simply the negative energy I picked up from her room. And that energy finally faded from me in hours (seriously hours) after leaving and I finally realized her reading was all good things. And totally accurate. Ouija board included - unfortunately. And that my dreams and visions and "abilities" had gotten so insane in recent weeks that I had predicted a friend's DUI stop and encouraged another to go to a doctor specifically for a condition that it turned out she had: A symptom-less condition, mind you. She is now getting the medical treatment she needs that she would have not otherwise gotten, and likely have had fatal results.
With all of them items - book included, as well as it's temporary pause - all true, I took a moment to appreciate the term "true love" as my girlfriend - who was also read - admitted her jealousy of the word "true" missing from her own reading of her loves.
When this blog became all about matters of the heart, I'll never quite know. Even this entry was suppose to be about something else entirely, I'm sure. I did want to make note that after four men, 11 dates and one guy I cancelled on and never met, I removed myself from the observation deck of dating. It is at once an ego fluff and a tragic view of what's not out there and how very specifically picky I am - which also helped me come to this conclusion as well: How hard it is to find some you like who "gets" you and how lucky I am to have found it time and again, despite the pain in the loss.
But recent events in this weird world of single and dating have reminded me of a past I've left behind with reason and thus, I have removed myself from the dating pool (having been leaning towards that anyways) as of last week. Ironically though, I find myself more inclined to fall in love than before. Nearly more open to sacrificing my time alone to share my bed with more than just my remotes again, then I was before strange things began to transpire (I hear you universe). Almost open, but terrified at the same time. And then all of these things I have found alone, I remain scared to lose. I fight to stay open-minded enough that online dating is not a reflection of my own reality and to remind myself that I was strong enough to pull myself away from HG to save me, even though, at the time, I wanted nothing more than to be forever close to him. Right there, I did it right: I was open to love, but aware of myself: I should write that memo to fear; I am my own sense of security.
While life is random with fast years composed of slowing ticking time, each moment is ours to own. No one can take that away from us. Love comes when it will on it's own terms, but I do believe that timing is everything times a million, not because second hands matter, but because what goes on in the heart hurts, heals and learns over time and that we have to be patched and open to accept it again. We have to be willing to give up ourselves and trust in the other person that they won't ask us to give up who we are alone to be together. Each moment is a reflection in a mirrored ceiling of an elevator; each second that passes changes who we are and takes us just one step closer to who we are meant to be. I'm glad I'm on the right path. I hope she's right.