Thursday, October 28, 2010

Astrology: 10:28

Love Horoscope today via reads:

Aroused both mentally and physically are feelings that will be reinforced by conversation and those subtle signals. Let your feelings flow and they will carry you along without your having to make much of an effort. Don't plan what to say, just say it as whatever comes out first is probably the most sincere, so don't over think your reactions, just go with the gut.

I should listen to that shit. See: previous entries, word.

And this is tomorrow's:

At the moment it may be easier to see what is wrong with your personal relationships than it is to see what is right. If so, you're likely to fall into such a funk that you find yourself doing so much whining resolving your problems seems impossible. Shake your down mood off and confront any issues in your personal life head on and with optimism. If you do you may find that most of what is bothering you quickly vanishes.

I should listen to that shit too. But while talking to friends, it seems we're all slightly melancholy lately. Might it be the weather? Or maybe we should all take a big group cruise. (See: following horoscope re: big purchase.)

General horoscope for today:

This is a time of serious thought and self-analysis regarding the direction of your life. You need some time alone to ponder your situation so that you can make wise decisions. You are also likely to feel the pressure of many obligations in your daily life. Few doors may open for you now, but with some honest introspection that will change soon.

Seems appropriate.

General horoscope for tomorrow:

Make a point of not allowing others to ruin your plans today, because there will be certain individuals that won't like what you are doing. Your priority needs to be your more significant relationships in this instance, so don't let anyone sway your decisions. Now may be a good time to make a high end purchase like a new car.

Yeep. I get a feeling about that one too. And I have already made a decision regarding this. See: today's horoscope. haha.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It's okay though.

I’m not myself. Perhaps I was, for a moment there. I mean, I am and I’m not. I don’t feel trapped or locked, but there’s something I’m not saying. When I put everything out in the open, I kind of decided that that was enough for me. And then it all came back and I thought: “Oh, what the hell”. So, on I go. Only, now I’m hiding a bit. And how do you say, “I’m terrified (of what could be absolutely nothing but it’s huge in my head),” without sounding like a screaming child or an intensely insane adult? The funny thing is: I know it could be so easy. If I could just get life out of my head for a minute; if I could just trust, but I can’t – I have no reason.  And it would be naive of me and of my life and lessons and drip::drip, yadda::yadda , for me to just go “I’ll just plunge then, without fear of consequences.” (I realize I'm contradicting myself; I'm a work in progress.) Also funny, if it’s all that easy, I’m very likely to be uninterested. How fucked up is that?

It’s okay though. A decade in and my heart still beats with the ferocity of a teenager in lust. I'll wait for now.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Just Sometimes.

A minute back, in a brief and completely random and un-responded to chat to a friend, I declared:

just sometimes.
if you stop being afraid.
everything works out.


And since Grooveshark's widgets are broken, you get my songs of the moment as such:

Heartbeats (Jose Gonzalez)
Firework (Katy Perry)
Sigh No More (Mumford & Sons)
You Could Be Happy (Snow Patrol)
Animal (Neon Trees)
Feel the Tide (Mumford & Sons)

(Currently love Mumford & Sons: The Cave, Awake My Soul, White Blank Page, Little Lion Man)

Friday, October 8, 2010

On Being Real

As children, we go for what we want. We don't yet understand repercussions. And teasing and hurt and pain doesn't exist yet - or at least it doesn't matter. Then life teaches us. And our parents tell us to look both ways before we cross the street.

Slowly we come to fear everything. We fear rejection. We fear pain. We fear ridicule. We fear so much about not getting what we really want that we drive ourselves to madness skirting the things we want most - because it's those things that are likely to bring the biggest risk.

It took me a while, but I realize that the fear from adolescence and everything I've been taught about fear is hogwash. I realize that when my step-dad told me in August, "I learned [in Vietnam] not to live in fear. It's stupid.", that he's right. It is. It truly is. And if we drive ourselves mad trying to avoid what we fear, how can we ever really be happy?

I've hidden truths many times in my life. Most recent and extended, I spent a long time hiding what was really happening in my life in my last relationship. And purchasing smiles. And hoping beyond hopes to laugh again. Then, finding the strength to leave something I put so much into with someone I still loved (but knew I was better without). Regardless of my fear of admitting failure and my fear of being alone again and my fear of going back to the start, I did it. And I found myself again. My smiles became mine again and my laugh is genuine. I'm a better person for it (...and he still sends me flowers on my birthday!). I love my friends and my life is a happy one. I know that these times don't last; but how did I get here? I must have done something right.

Thinking back to my most unhappy times, they are chalk full of me pretending to be someone/thing I'm not. And I think my most happy times in life can be attributed to being honest...and letting go to be able to be myself. I lost that recently again trying to hide from something I feared, but I was finally honest with myself again. (Which is great because it made me realize how insane it comes across when I'm not saying what I really want and hiding the truth.) So I said "fuck it" and I wrote down the truth; it could not have been more sincere and it was from the heart. And you know what I did? I let it be read. And so far, I'm still here. I have peace of mind. And I'm not afraid. I'm not lying anymore - and now I can just go on being myself. And I feel so fucking free.

So the next time you don't feel so free, Self, and your smiles aren't genuine and your laughs don't throw your head back: Just be honest. It will set you free. And it feels a lot like love.