Tuesday, November 22, 2011

August Revelations

I have been feeling particularly existential this week. Well, yesterday into today. Weeks start on Mondays, not Sundays.

After my whole “health” scare a few months ago – reaching a finality just yesterday - I am happy to report that I am back to normal. My hormones are back to normal. And everything is in proper working order again and I return to a full-functioning 28 year old lady (who one day hopes to create spawn). I will never go on NuvaRing again. That aside, I am fascinated with the resilience of the human body – and remain convinced, once again, that I will provide the first male grandchild for my momma, as my sisters only seem to produce girls. (She said she’s going to vacuum seal all the boy baby clothes she’s collected over the years if that’s the case, "so they don’t dry rot".)

I told her not to worry. I do think she is half-convinced I’ll end up an old maid, but at least she doesn’t think I’m an alcoholic slut anymore. Thanks, mom! (I don’t twist words. Me? Never.) And while I don't plan to be an old maid, I think my independence secretly makes her nervous.

Someone posted something on Facebook today that read something like: Let your past make you better, not bitter. And I found it fitting, having spent my past few days truly appreciating all of the grime I spent the past year (or five, really) dealing with. I’m nearly thankful now that I went through all that. It taught me so much. And, while thinking about it all, I realize some of it was deep-seeded things from my ex – as the pink elephant was my first crush after him. And to be honest, I crushed six months before the end (though the end started long before). He was the first person that showed me that there was someone else out there I found suitable to date. I got stuck. It was a vacuum. I sacrificed myself. I didn’t realize I was; but I did. He was the physical catalyst. I’m picky and he made me realize I had other choices, while everything was really starting to fall apart. I don’t know why I did that - why my brain made that connection - but I think that was part of it. Certainly not all of it, as we did get along very well, but I allowed myself to be put in a position where I excused how I was being treated and rewrote my own rules of love and lust and relationships to suit what I was in. I ignored my intuition. And scrambled to find a way out of something that made me cry…and nearly seek therapy. It became a revolving door. And I was finally flung out of it. (Thank you, Universe.)

It took much longer than I have previously realized to learn remember that I am happy. Just me. To recapture the first six months after moving out with my ex, before I started seeing the pink elephant - reminiscing the "youth" of those months. And now I know that if anything throws a wrench into that happiness, it isn’t welcomed in my life. The people that you “choose” to keep in your life are just that: Choices. We are blessed with friends. And we have the awesome power to “choose” this extended family we want to hold close to our hearts and share our most profound moments and life choices with. Friends are the family you choose: Isn't that what they say? And a partner is the most significant of friends.

The best friend guy that was confused when I was breaking in July and was wretching me more chatted me after a few months yesterday. It went like this:

A: what's up, stranger?
 me: whoa. hey.
  i miss you a little. but don't let that go to your head.
 A: awww.
too late. me: haha.
 A: miss ya too
[…talking about meeting up over thanksgiving] 
me:   i need to hear about your life.
A: I've just been super busy lately. […his business]
me: ah.
well, everything's good over here. kinda great. actually.
 A: yeah?
 me: *kow *
  ya. i'm almost thankful for the whole [pink elephant] fiasco now.
  i've grown. a lot.
A: go on...
 me: haha.
  idk what to go on about?
 A: how have you grown, I mean?
me: i realized i think that some of the [pink elephant] stuff was deep seeded [ex] stuff.
  but that's kinda irrelvant.
i just know who i am. and what i deserve.  and that my intuition is spot on.
  and that i can't listen to other people, but i have to trust myself.
  and thank god i'm out of that situation.
  anything that makes me anything other than smile in a relationship isn't something worth it.
i'm happy alone. i really am. and anyone that makes me anything less than that isn't worth a damn. A: that's awesome
  congrats!
 me: august revelations, we'll call them. lol
[…]  
A: yeah. other people can't make you happy. only you can do that.
  lot of talks with the therapist about that.
me: ya. its true though.
  and i find it a very frustrating item in life that it's only when you're happy alone that people gravitate towards you and pair up.
  or at least that's my experience.
  cause now i'm like "ehhhhhhhh...ya. idk. i kinda like it just being me. thats all i have to worry about and i can do that"
 A: life's weird.

Yea it is.

And I'm moving forward. No walls. No bitterness. And no suppose-to-bes. Every bad thing that happens is probably just put there to teach us something we hadn't picked up yet on our own. So, are some people cursed with unfortunate luck? No, they're probably just stubborn.

This is my official resignation of my own stubbornness. ::crosses fingers:: I have learned so much. I am not bitter, but better. I am happy and healthy. My heart is whole and mine and forgiving. And I refuse to ever again accept anything less than exactly what I know I deserve. Which, to be honest, is a lot. Because when it comes down to it, all we really want is to pair up with someone that thinks we're as awesome as we think we are: Appreciation, I think it's called. Maybe it only comes with age...or the resignation of stubbornness, but it's going to take something really fantastic now for me to relinquish the "ehh, idk"'s of being just me.

:)

.

11 comments:

Ashli said...

Amazingly put.

I love reading your blog. I love the stories, I love watching you grow and learn.

But don't we all?

I should comment more. I'm going to comment more.

Hatching West said...

YES! :)

Hatching West said...

Oh. Also, thank you!!!

chenlina said...

chenlina20151211
ralph lauren uk
jordans for sale
nike free runs
ugg boots
ralph lauren outlet
ugg boots
michael kors outlet online
coach factory outlet
uggs on sale
celine handbags
ugg boots
michael kors outlet stores
michael kors outlet
replica rolex watches
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton purses
coach factory outlet online
oakley sunglasses
abercrombie kids
louis vuitton handbags
ray ban sunglasses outlet
cheap ugg boots
chanel bags
ugg boots
uggs outlet
longchamp outlet
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbags
ugg boots
the north face outlet
gucci outlet
louis vuitton
canada goose jackets
michael kors handbags
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbags
nike trainers uk
marc jacobs handbags
uggs outlet
jordan concords
as

Unknown said...

links of london jewellery
coach factory outlet
louis vuitton handbags
cartier watches for sale
christian louboutin shoes
oakley sunglasses
beats headphones
michael kors handbags
ray ban sunglasses
christian louboutin outlet
qqqqqing20170331

Unknown said...

pandora jewellery
ralph lauren
pandora charms sale clearance
adidas superstar trainers
ray ban sunglasses outlet
michael kors outlet store
phillies jerseys
michael kors outlet store
adidas nmd r1
longchamp sale
xushengda0331

Unknown said...

oakley sunglasses
ugg boots
fred perry polo shirts
mulberry handbags
ysl outlet
michael kors outlet
polo ralph lauren
canada goose outlet
air huarache
herve leger outlet
chanyuan2017.11.29

PalaPala said...

Nike 270
Air Jordan 9
Air Jordan
Pandora Jewelry
Yeezy boost
Jordan 11
Air Jordan 11
Pandora Jewelry
Red Bottom Shoes
Latrice20181228

Bilibili said...

Jordan 11
Pandora Jewelry Outlet
Air Jordan Retro 9
Pandora Jewelry
Red Bottom Shoes For Women
Adidas Yeezy
Pandora Jewelry Official Site
Kyrie Shoes
Jordan 11
Rodney20190103

PalaPala said...

Adidas Yeezy
Jordan 4
Kyrie Irving Shoes
Pandora Jewelry Official Site
Air Jordan 9
Pandora Jewelry
Pandora Outlet
Nike Air Max 270
Air Jordan 11
Latrice20190105

Hualala said...

Adidas Yeezy
Pandora Jewelry
Pandora Jewelry
Air Jordan
Pandora Jewelry Outlet
Red Bottom Shoes For Women
Air Max 270
Jordans 11
Jordan 4
Kyrie Shoes
Paul20190314