Monday, July 25, 2011

The Universe is Testing Me

"No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for the things you've done." -The Town

He never treated me right. He ruined what could have been something beautiful. When I needed him, he dropped me –  But. That connection was a drug.I  forgave, because I thought maybe I wouldn't have loved me either (and it’s hard for immature boys to understand that when its hardest to be there for someone, is when they need you the most; I thought I could show him). But. Tortured still, I listened to my dream and let go. I ran away from something I wanted so badly in an effort to save a friendship – a strong, strong connection. But. He drug me back in. He led me on. He cast me as the fool. He dated her. And he lied to both of us. He did this for months. He was, in short, a total selfish prick. But. I found out. He apologized. He owned up. He wanted to save the friendship – the connection too – he says, that’s why he did it: not to lose me, he says. I want to believe he is sorry. I want to believe he has learned. I want to believe I was that important to him; that he fucked up a relationship he really wanted to keep me in his life. But. I don’t want to be the fool AGAIN. I don’t want to be a naive little girl still attached to something she can find entertaining and enriching in doing nothing at all. I don’t want to so simply forgive and reward the actions of a little boy, who broke the heart of a girl, who deserved everything but. But.

I’m finding it difficult lately to not be understanding. To not simply educate people in the ways they are doing things wrong. I’ve been there. We all have. And likely will be again. I have made mistakes. Just as I ignored my intuition, he ignored that voice inside his head going: this isn’t right. But in the same manner that I ignored myself – excusing his actions to keep something, a connection I felt – he ignored what he formerly would have known as right. (Or didn’t realize till now, as I become another lesson for another little boy.)

I’m finding it difficult lately to hold a grudge. To simply not feel the need to “punish” someone for their wrong-doings and their lies – but it hurts me too. That was my friend. That is my friend?

I’m finding it difficult lately that I feel as though I’m being too understanding, too numb to the pain I think I should feel and that everyone around me wants to hold a grudge more than I do - to say “fuck that asshole for hurting you"; I’d be stupid to forgive him (and be friends). To simply not cut him out of my life forever – or for a time – to make a point and re-evaluate what is good for me; survival.

I’m left wondering if it hurts me more to pretend it never happened. To understand that everything I thought was happening was or was going to – and I chose to ignore it nonetheless. Is it easier to accept the blame for what I can, so I don’t have to hold onto the negativity of his fulfillment of my prophecies and my heart aching? Does my lip quiver when I look into his eyes because he hurt me? Or because I’m afraid I’m looking into the eyes of a kindred spirit whose loss I've already mourned? They all want him to be dead in my heart, but it beats a little to know that I’m not perfect either; and it breaks a little because those kind of kindred spirits are few and far between – and what if he only pretends to realize that too, to suit his story?

I’m presented with both sides at once. The side of the broken girl – thrown about and lied to – never treated the way she deserved. Never spoken the words she needed to hear. Never offered more than what was just good enough. And the other: The friend of a guy who is in line to potentially break two girls, asking for advice on how to navigate what I’m currently trying to recover from. I cannot have the answer without emotion. The universe parallels these timelines and with such cruel accuracy. I understand my friend means no harm, but what he is doing (or rather did until I approached him as a broken girl from the other side of his scenario) isn’t right. Its hurtful and harmful and selfish. And it’s time to grow up. I know he didn’t mean anything by it – and the excuses he deemed valid until he thought about what I’d said, he realizes are ridden with guilt – but should I apply this to my situation too? The pain of supporting a friend from the other side of someone prancing on your heart – you are a cruel universe, Universe…or are you trying to tell me something?

At this point, it seems easiest to forgive and hope the boys learn. To put trust where it is nowhere near deserving – where I never put trust before – and hope that, in the end, my faith in life lessons is once where I put my faith in myself. And it all works out in the end.

We’ve all been there. I’ve been forgiven when I least deserved it. Loved when I wasn't worthy of loving. Am I just making excuses while the island is sinking in hopes I’ll reach the sky? Or is the juxtaposition of the two situations - and a grim reminder that life is oh-so-short - an indication that it time to pay it forward, forgive the unforgivable, and hope for the best?

I am I numb still? Is it apathy? Am I lazy? Am I worn out? Broken? Stupid? What is it to say if I’m willing to put hope where all hope is lost? 

Just after writing this, said "friend"(who I dated for 3 years and have been friends with for 10) has managed to make said "total selfish prick" look like a saint. Exact conversation from beginning to end, as follows:

“Friend”:  It makes me so angry when I am clearly at fault for something and the girl apologizes.
 me:  ...
it makes me angry too.
“Friend”:  Ugh.
 me:  is there more?
“Friend”:  Always.
Have a migraine.
 me:  ...
“Friend”:  Im just so frustrated and confused with this whole situation.
 me:  well. you created it. imagine their confusion.
“Friend”:  Its not getting clearer...and when I think it is, it gets all muddled again
 me:  i don't follow
“Friend”:  I can't help feelings, [sic].
So, seriously...get off your fucking high horse about this.
 me:  i believe that. but actions you can.
it's not a high horse, you insensitive asshole.
i'm on the other fucking side of it trying to mend my fucking heart and you want fucking sympathy?!
“Friend”:  Yup.
 me:  i'm falling apart and you want to bitch to me about how you cannot choose between what you want to do. and who you want to do. get out of your own fucking head for a second and realize you're not the only one with "feelings".
“Friend”:  Nah im good.
 me:  oh, really? are you sure? cause it's all youv'e talked about since i sobbed on the phone with you because a guy did to me what you're "struggling" to do to other girls - you know, after i cried and you said you'd call me back. and, you know, never did. except last night, when you wanted to talk some more about the situation and how it wasn't like mine, when all you did was prove to me that it was more like my situation than ever. and at least [total selfish prick] owned up to it.

The universe is testing me. And I have no clue what the answer.