Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...

A list for the gentlemen in the audience; some insight; a few tips. An assortment of immediate turn-off's, if you will.  A  This female's perspective. (In no particular order.)

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...Nope

1. Chewing with your mouth open

2. Visible ear wax

3. Affliction, Ed Hardy, et al.

4. Pierced ear(s)

5. Manery (male jewelry)

6. Hair patterns that suggest it fell off of your head to take residency on your shoulders and back

7. Smoking

8. Groping

9. Bad dancing when you're actually trying to be good at dancing
(Tip: If you're terrible, just own it; have fun. But never stop dancing. No one likes Sullen Sid.)

10. Casting a wide evening net
(Tip: Trying to take home just any female is really unattractive. We see you. Pick one lady target, it is otherwise insulting and you'll go home alone or wake up with an STD.)

11. Proving strength/worth by binge-till-you-puke drinking or fighting

12. Binge-till-you-puke drinking or fighting

13. Drug addiction

14. Airing recent past relationship woes

15. One-sided conversations

16. Asking for a kiss
(Tip: Stop asking, just go for it. We're big girls. We know how to decline.)

17. Excessive crying (or if I just met you, any crying)

18. Short fuse; anger/yelling

19. Bad tipping

20. Taking longer than a lady to get ready

21. Snapping, clapping, and otherwise patronizing service industry folk
(Tip: You look like a dick. Just wait your turn.)

22. Bad breath

23. Stupid sexually suggestive jokes out of nowhere
(Tip: If this kind of humor was previously established, it's totally fine, but, chances are, if you're randomly playing this card just to gauge her reaction, you're not getting in. And especially not now.)

24. Talking about yourself incessantly

25. Bad teeth

26. Excessive nose/ear/eyebrow and neck hair
(Tip: Trim that shit.)

27. Obvious and prolonged boob ogling

28. A neck the size of your head

29. Cue balls
(Tip: I shouldn't be able to see my reflection in your head.)

30. 'Showing off' your money
(Tip: If you have it, spend it, but don't make a point to talk about that $300 bottle of olive oil you got your sister-in-law for Christmas that was "no big deal".)

31. Always taking forever to text back

32. Being shorter than me

33. Tribal/barbed wire tattoos

34. Chicken legs

35. 'Dad' jeans or carpenter jeans
(Tip: Always have at least one pair of dark wash denim; don't buy any jeans that your dad might have in his closet or wear them the way he might either; if your pants can hold a hammer and you don't need a hammer, throw them out and buy ones made after 1995.)

36. Profuse video gaming

37. Smelling bad

38. Smelling like her father/grandfather
(Tip: Give up the Old Spice.)

39. Kissing against her pattern

40. Things that make you go 'hmmmm'
(Tip: Don't be a skevve.) 

Alternatively...

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....Oh Yeah

1. Walking between the lady and the traffic on the sidewalk

2. Opening doors

3. Offering to pick her up/meet her at her house

4. Patience

5. Compliments on something other than appearance

6. Good conversation

7. On-par sense of humor
(Tip: Make her laugh; win her heart.)

8. A well-planned date

9. Dressing well with good shoes
(Tip: Don't refer to yourself as 'metro'.)

10. Smelling good
(Why have men stopped wearing cologne?! Tip: PUT IT BACK ON.)

11. Kissing in compliment to hers