Saturday, March 8, 2014

Another Sting of the Bee

Today's edition of "Another Letter I'll Never Send", we revisit the issue stemming from my birthday that has yet to go away. Upon seeing all of our mutual friends RSVP to his Super Bowl party that he held last month, which I was clearly spending my first year uninvited to, I wrote a note. It was only after seeing Ginger (who he only knew because of me) and who had just ditched me at the airport three days prior, say that she too would be attending that I felt the need to say something. So I wrote a note. 

And then I realized the situation was probably hopeless as he was unlikely to hear reason or pain - having previously heard how hurt I was before and giving nary a shit about it. So, I thought, why bother. And then like so many in my Letter Graveyard I thought, maybe if I post it here, I'll feel a little better anyway.
January 22, 2014 
For days I've been watching the invite returns roll in for your superbowl party. Friends that are friends because I introduced everyone - all going. I hide it on my feed, someone responds, it returns again. The latest: a girl who almost ran over friends while drunk because they were trying help keep her safe; that ditched me at the airport for waking her - going. And I'm just like "how could anything I've done possibly be worse than this?! 
I can't say that it doesn't hurt that I'm still exiled, still defriended, for hearsay and a young twenty something not speaking up at a birthday-gone-awry and whatever else there might have been. It's your prerogative, but whatever misdoings you think may have in my past, would certain pale in comparison. And yet, I realize I would still open my heart to forgive her. I know better than anyone that people make mistakes. 
The real crux is that all this misagas is keeping me from people that I love and it's becoming increasingly hard for me to process. I'm a damn good person and an even better friend to those I love, but it feels like I'm being punished for being one. I struggle to make sense of the situation. I used to be at your house to play with [GFN] - I can no longer do that. And it seems us girls involved have moved on, but this remains a lingering scar that we can't make sense of and we can't fix ourselves without changing your opinion. And we can't change your opinion because I"m not sure any of us understand it - myself included. I'm a good girl, but your total dismissal of me as a person and friend speaks to the opposite. Not gonna lie: Still hurts. 
It sucks to learn that someone that meant something to you, that you thought was a friend, can so easily cast you aside as a misfit not worth their time. And even more that I'm losing time with current friends in the process. GFN, yes. But people like [one guy and another guy who he only knows because of me] -my first real friendships in DC - who saved me, going to something I'm not part of because...I don't know. I can't tell you how difficult it is watching this all transpire on facebook - I have to hide each individual response every time stings worseevery effing time. And when they ask if I'm going the only response to why is "honestly, I don't know". 
I hate it. I hate this all. I hate that you decided to hate me and I really don't know why. I hate that I'm not even worth a moment to reach out and move on from this (being forced on a drunken night and a lost phone aside) isn't worth it. Our friendship over the years being scarred by what others have had to say and not your own personal interaction. Miscommunications have resolve; and knowing who I am, I can only imagine that's all this is. 
I'm leaving in four months and this situation is leaving such a black mark on my time here. Can this be fixed? Yea, probably. Should it be? I think five years of friendship is worth it. But at the least, if you're going to invite 50 mutual friends to something and blatantly leave me out of it, please make it a private event. Each one of *our* friends' responses is another sting of the bee. 
Thanks for reading.