Monday, December 30, 2013

Loving Situations

Part 2 of 2

Did you follow? That's okay, you don't have to. Point is: I now live in a group house with three dudes: 22, 23, 25. And living with people is hard sometimes: I could talk about how four of us share one bathroom and the issues that can cause, like toilet paper purchase stand-offs. Or debating peeing out of your window because someone has been in the shower for what feels like 6 bladder-filled hours. Or thermostat wars and cranking it down to 65.  Or the one who has piles of dishes laying out on his desk, attracting mice. Or the dog hair - oh, the dog hair. (Actually, I love living with a dog without the responsibility of one, so I'll let that one go.) Or having a house clean to my standards because living with three other people makes that impossible. But thanks to living situations of my past, I have learned to pick my battles and solve the wars: Buy communal toilet paper and split the bill; hold my bladder and time my showers; provide plastic utensils; get space heaters; accept that only my room is as clean as I want it. But recently there's a strange new element of difficulty I was unprepared for.

Of the three guys, two have girlfriends. The other week it was one that had a girlfriend; a few weeks before that two had girlfriends...because P is playing relationship yo-yo with a girl after two years of dating. P is the Tinder-mate: The non-single/newly-single/non-single. And now that they're back together, she's back in the house. And my issue is: How do I act like I totally don't think it's a horrible idea for this person to be back in a house when all I can think is: YOU ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE! AND IT'S GOING TO HURT! REMEMBER 3 WEEKS AGO HOW MUCH YOU TOLD ME THAT HURT?! THAT.

Obviously this is all opinion, but I'm older (and wiser?). I've done the keep the relationship going because it hurts less in the moment to stay together than to mourn that loss of what you had. Past tense. And I see people doing this all the time lately. In fact, just a few weeks ago the crotch-shotter messaged me to see if I had any single friends for him. This exchanged followed:
CS: its been somewhere around 4 weeks since we split. and please don't ask why.
ME: ah. sorry to hear that. wasn't planning on it.
CS: I wasn't happy and able to be myself.
ME: ah. been there.
CS: i'm adventurous and enjoy learning new things. she was content.
ME: so she wanted to get married and you didn't?
CS: i did too. but just not to her.
ME: ouch.
CS: its unfortunate. spent 2 years. oh well.  [...]
ME: i find a lot of pride in being able to say "you know what; this isn't for me. i'd be better off alone." cause alone is kind of scary when you've been with someone. i was in a relationship for 5 years and had no idea how to get out of it or if i could - i envied girls who found a way to say "i have to end this for me" for a long time. for some reason people treat relationships ending like a failure instead of an achievement in seeing that you want more and voicing it. it takes balls.
congrats on your balls! : ) haha
CS: bahahaha. thanks. i think that was the most constructive, encouraging, and intelligent advice i've heard yet. I really appreciate you telling me that. my balls are thankful as well.
My favorite part was where he told me not to ask why an immediately went into the way of it anyway. And then, after two weeks of asking me out and trying to "increase our chances of crossing paths", photos popped up on Facebook of him and his formerly ex-girlfriend. They were are back together. Is this the thing people are doing now: Break up, get back together, then post on Facebook just how totally in love you are? It's annoying. Almost as annoying as a Facebook feed filled about little Johnnies pooping on the potty all by himself. (AND HE WIPED!) I'm going to get a dog so that I can announce when it takes a shit outside. (AND HE KICKED DIRT OVER IT!) But I digress.

The Facebook feed PDA seems so contrived. And now it's live and in my living room. Watching it is almost as frustrating as waking up on time to get to work, only to have roommate K spend an hour in the bathroom; or having your bladder awake you only to have roommate M in the shower forever, while you contemplate peeing in your garbage can or out of the window. But I guess we all need our turn in the bathroom, so to speak. We all need our moments of weakness; to follow our hearts where our brains don't want us to go because, what if, just WHAT. IF.

Like the Ex and I convincing ourselves our love for one another would be enough to sustain us falling out of love; we never stopped loving one another but it took us a while to realize the sneaky differentiation between love with comfort and being in love. It took me a while to realize that trying to force being in love will wreck your soul - no matter how much you convince your Facebook feed. Because you can fall in and out and back in love as much as you can climb a waterfall. And now I live with it again. It's frustrating, my alcoholic bore. It's not even the good kind of fight where I can grab a glass of wine to wash down my popcorn as I watch the show. They're private; secretive: Only ever having shown the what's-best-and-I-love-you-babe on the outside, when all anyone can think now is: You boned some other dude; the jig is up.

Relationships don't break because someone cheated; people cheat because relationships are broken. That mug is still cracked. Admitting a relationship is over isn't failure. Staying in something broken, that's the greatest self-defeat. But sometimes, you just have to be sure.

Ultimately, what I think (and want, from a wine and popcorn standpoint) doesn't matter. So I'll suck it up and get over this latest roommate challenge. However, I will forever preach: if you're not happy, change your life and don't go back back to what made you cry. Change is hard, sometimes you just have to move on; it's not easy, but rarely the things in life worth doing ever are.

Except for dishes. Those are easy. Do your dishes, man.

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