Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Lady in Waiting

Alternate Title: 'Stop lyin', ho!'

I was asked today by a guy that last year sent me a photo of his crotch at work: “What's it like to be complimented all the time and starred at? Good and bad? Mostly good?" Apparently he had spent the evening before looking at my Facebook and decided I am “quite the specimen”.

He had/has a girlfriend, by the way. Confessions of the unavailable...well that's about as useful as a divorcé. Story of my life. (Not that I'd date a crotch-shotter.) 

I couldn’t decide if he was patronizing me or not. And after asking him if he was and having him decline, I added: “As for being ogled, it's useless. I’m still single.”

Okay. So fine, I decided I was ready to be in a relationship again – what – like two one month ago? But still, it’s that waiting period and that impatience and perhaps, more importantly, that sneaky little thing in the back of your head wondering if you will ever have the chance to fall in love again. "It takes the right guy," I said in reply to his questioning of if I'm willing.

He went on to say: "You seem pretty confident though".

"Is that a bad thing," I asked.

"Well with confidence you probably want perfect. And are a perfectionist. It's hard to accept flaws,” his analytic skills clearly leaving something to be desired. Because I delight in flaws and it is because I am far from perfection; in the same way I don't like to date men thinner than me. Besides, it's our flaws that make us interesting. What’s to talk about in perfection? But it made me wonder: What if this is how the world views me? A girl who puts on make-up and holds her head high and won’t settle for something less than she feels she deserves translates to: A person who finds it hard to accept flaws. 

I’m not that person at all. What if I’m 29 and all I’m left with are the guys that are looking at me thinking what he does; or even worse: That because I’m 29 and single that there’s something so broken that no one wants to be with me. These are the moments and the thoughts we're not suppose to admit we have. But there it is. And the funny thing is, it took all the time alone to put myself together and be happy and whole; admit my faults and flaws and realize perfection is a myth – not that I ever had any aspirations of achieving it.

The funny thing is: If the world sees me as he does, it's completely backwards. 

I've reached the point now where I'm okay admitting when life isn't perfect. No ones lives are perfect and facebook is just a front for everyone's best moments. Let's not get our own failures mixed up with browsing through everyone's successes. How can we elicit empathy and advice if we hide our truth. It's freeing to be open and essential to realize what people make public and what they keep private are typically polar opposites. I could skip my posts from happily single to falling in love again - and not admit this waiting period - but that would be dishonest and I think that kind of thing gives as much false hope as a facebook feed with a bunch of babies and no one talking about  miscarriages or infertility. It's bullshit.

So here I am. Honest Nelly. Time to discuss here, my period of wait, impatience and impending frustration. As I have already begun to discuss it with GFN: 
ME: sometimes i just want to say to ppl "remember how you broke up?"
"remember WHY you broke up?"
"okay now think about that."
just seems really one sidedly unhealthy.
its situations like that that make me appreciate that i'm single
i understand that relationships take work. but love shouldn't.

GRN: agree   
ME: even the tiny kid at work has a gf.
wtf. how much longer can i be single bf i begin to wonder what's wrong with me? 
GFN: nothings wrong with you. 
ME: well that's not the point. haha
GFN: this is just one of things you can't force or it will go badly. 
ME: oh. i'm not forcing anything.
which is why i'm thinking it will be long enough where i start to check my nose hairs at the bar. because it MUST be that. 
ME: i'm kind of excited for my blog to turn this corner: single lady in waiting. not single lady playing single. because nothing is more irritating than the people with the perfectly charmed (love) lives. 
GFN: true 
ME:"i turned around and poof! he was there and i knew it was forever"
GFN: no kidding  
ME: even if it appears that easy, it never is. stop lyin ho. cynicism amuses me sometimes.
GFN: me too. I just see a blog called, "Stop Lyin', Ho!"

I know it’s not that easy. And despite the cynicism, I shall try to hope. I round the corner into single lady in waiting. And I hope there’s a guy out there walking with his hands dipped shallow in his pockets waiting for the moment to meet me. That chance encounter at the deli; or in line at Starbucks; or on a plane to God knows where.  All the same years I took for me become whole, he took to find himself so he could skip over the lines of the sidewalk to be by my side; to find me when he was perfectly imperfect and I was prepared. (Although are we ever, really?)

Suddenly, I'm Ted Mosby.

For now, I say, skip a little faster, sir. But if so happens that I never fall in love with a person again, I have a Plan B. I've decided I'll fall in love with the planes to God knows where.