Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Life is Not a Cage

I guess I'm still waiting on my other self to grab the screen shots of those tweets so I can post my already-written 2012 run-down entry, but for the moment I'm having a complete existential crisis. So instead of posting about old information, lets post about something new. Here I am, 29: Full Existential Crisis. Out of nowhere.

For a while I've been teetering on the edge of the do I, don't I front of falling in love. Oh, but you can't choose to fall in love, say the critics. STFU, critics, this is my life and I most certainly can choose when I'm ready, willing and open to love again.

All evidence of the past five years proving contrary to critics. However, I see their point in that you can decide you're ready again, but that doesn't mean cupid shows up and boop! you're poked in the butt with a penis heart. This, I have come to find - it having taken me many long years - is what they mean about "timing is everything". PE, HG, RH, MH, the guy who broke up with me I didn't even know I was actually dating (GWBUWMIDEKIWAD?!) and all the other acronyms I haven't even had a chance or interest to write about recently are all mistakes, but not really. I went into everything knowing full well they would be nothing. If one entertains her time with persons she knows won't ever work out, but they fill the vagina void, then she is absolutely guaranteed to not fall in love. (No, I didn't actually sleep with all of them; I just like sex jokes.) And this, my friends is how you fall out of love with love.

Congratulations, Window Shopper. 

The strange part of this new existential crisis is that it seems to have stemmed out of no where, but I'll give you a quick recap of the events leading up. It all started with the accidental dater (AD)...well, sorta. I mean, he started with the attack on my character (which I'm sure he didn't mean as an attack on my character, but such a self righteous "you're doing it wrong" sure comes off that way). After which I decided: One man's broken is another man's interesting. 

Write that down.

The second part happened this past weekend when a group of my friends and I rented a ski cabin for an extended weekend. A second annual thing; the first of which was the beginning of the end of HG and I's relationship. I don't think he liked how conversational I was about poop. But he went three times a day. THREE! That's envy-worthy: Do you know how thin I'd be?!...or how many Ho-Ho's I could eat?!?! ::moment of silence of Hostess, please:: But that was more of a coincidence than relevance.

I just fell into a vat of poop caveat.

ref: 3. [aww]
And I'm back: The relevance fell more in the form of 1. AD being there, which wasn't awkward so much as a reminder while 2. Instead of him, this other kid slept in my bed and the night after that 3. Some nice guys from Kentucky we'd met on a ski lift came over to play beer pong with us; they were funny, southern gentleman who were considerate of our other friends in the cabin. They reminded me of the kind of person I want to end up with. And then 4. When I got home I learned our lease may not be renewed when it ends in May.

So I went from complete panic, to pouting, to well if I have to move, I might as well leave this city. I went to bed anxious. So much change! I woke up confused; change is scary, but I don't want to become stagnant. And this seems like a push. A push timed with a trip that finally teetered me off the fence and onto the side of: I'm ready for love. And I'm still playing in the wheat of that field for the moment. Add to that a NYE that sent me flying into the seat of I come first: I can't plan my life around other people.

It is in the moment that I realize how important timing is: Not only in love, but how a series of small events can lead to a huge step in the direction of progress - or at the least a substantial change. I have no reason to go, but I can't choose family or friends or fear as a reason to stay. This time, it seems, a move might be real. Fate kept me here before, as I challenged it and it answered in the form of an unavoidable tailspin of almost-love with HG...just long enough to keep me from leaving. Now, I challenge it again...but I feel we're heading into wheels up territory. It's terrifying, but true.

I think.

Out of nowhere I'm in the eye of an existential crisis; in the calm of the storm I wonder: Is this what change feels like? Or am I just mad? Is this a blip on the radar of fleeting thoughts or real momentum? Moving across the country alone for no reason but for change; is it February that gives me balls? Or is it my life I need to rearrange?  I wait for answers; the fates decide.

Just breathe.