For a while I've been teetering on the edge of the do I, don't I front of falling in love. Oh, but you can't choose to fall in love, say the critics. STFU, critics, this is my life and I most certainly can choose when I'm ready, willing and open to love again.
All evidence of the past five years proving contrary to critics. However, I see their point in that you can decide you're ready again, but that doesn't mean cupid shows up and boop! you're poked in the butt with a
Congratulations, Window Shopper.
The strange part of this new existential crisis is that it seems to have stemmed out of no where, but I'll give you a quick recap of the events leading up. It all started with the accidental dater (AD)...well, sorta. I mean, he started with the attack on my character (which I'm sure he didn't mean as an attack on my character, but such a self righteous "you're doing it wrong" sure comes off that way). After which I decided: One man's broken is another man's interesting.
Write that down.
The second part happened this past weekend when a group of my friends and I rented a ski cabin for an extended weekend. A second annual thing; the first of which was the beginning of the end of HG and I's relationship. I don't think he liked how conversational I was about poop. But he went three times a day. THREE! That's envy-worthy: Do you know how thin I'd be?!...or how many Ho-Ho's I could eat?!?! ::moment of silence of Hostess, please:: But that was more of a coincidence than relevance.
I just fell into a vat of poop caveat.
|ref: 3. [aww]|
So I went from complete panic, to pouting, to well if I have to move, I might as well leave this city. I went to bed anxious. So much change! I woke up confused; change is scary, but I don't want to become stagnant. And this seems like a push. A push timed with a trip that finally teetered me off the fence and onto the side of: I'm ready for love. And I'm still playing in the wheat of that field for the moment. Add to that a NYE that sent me flying into the seat of I come first: I can't plan my life around other people.
It is in the moment that I realize how important timing is: Not only in love, but how a series of small events can lead to a huge step in the direction of progress - or at the least a substantial change. I have no reason to go, but I can't choose family or friends or fear as a reason to stay. This time, it seems, a move might be real. Fate kept me here before, as I challenged it and it answered in the form of an unavoidable tailspin of almost-love with HG...just long enough to keep me from leaving. Now, I challenge it again...but I feel we're heading into wheels up territory. It's terrifying, but true.
Out of nowhere I'm in the eye of an existential crisis; in the calm of the storm I wonder: Is this what change feels like? Or am I just mad? Is this a blip on the radar of fleeting thoughts or real momentum? Moving across the country alone for no reason but for change; is it February that gives me balls? Or is it my life I need to rearrange? I wait for answers; the fates decide.