Wednesday, May 2, 2012


My anxiety is spiking lately. On the bright side, it halts my hunger so I stop eating the frosting off of strawberry Mini-Wheats for a while. There are some things going right: For instance, my weight is back down to pre-Nuvaring standards (in fact, 2lbs under that ::celebratory dance::). I am under my "content weight" and 2.5 lbs from my "happy weight". This is huge for me. And it took me this long to realize how body conscious I am and how much that can and does play into relationship-type situations.

Back in October, I finally had triumphed over the PE situation. I had control again, but promised myself I wouldn't date anyone until I had my body back again. I had just discovered my 10 to 15 pound weight gain (over the course of 5 months, despite working out) was caused by going off of Nuvaring and nothing else - after a barrage of tests, bloodwork and stress. It was time to get my body back and until I did, I had no interest in dating.

I should have stuck to that; being so body-conscious really made me doubt myself and my confidence was nearly lost there for a while. It really affected how I interacted at that time; despite the confidence I had upon initial meetings because HELL! What do I care?! I'm not focusing on any of that shit till I drop this weight. And then I got wrapped up in something 'body-conscious chubby me' wasn't ready for and then sat in a basket of socks in mid-December depressed my clothes didn't fit. THIS ISN'T WHAT I LOOK LIKE, I wanted to scream at him. (And maybe I did, in more of a whisper.) THIS ISN'T ME! I'M SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN ALL THIS.  Dragging someone else into your leftover shit? Not cute: But we were both guilty of it. And as we whirl-winded around - as he was distracting himself from his own past shit - I didn't have time to go to the gym; time to focus on me and get my body back to THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

Status restored. Ahh. 

So this part is good. And so is the part where I'm happy alone again. Il bel far niente. 

Well, mostly happy, anyway: There's still a bit for a wheel-churning cherub back there; I don't know why. I have now likened it to 1. An ugly mole on your body you wish wasn't there, but it's just something you need to learn to live with and 2. Having lived through a premonition (that hasn't happened yet). And this isn't something I've experienced before; even a decade ago, after 2.5, and it was something I had wanted. So it's something I need to learn to live with because, what else can I do? So that's not great, but other than the cherub, I feel pretty happy again. 100% back to where I was? No. Soon, I hope. But I have until October. I have made a new pact with myself: Casual until Saturn's end. No serious suitors. (Ya, I said suitors.) This one I will keep (since the 365 day celibacy pact last year only lasted 362 and then promptly blew up in my face).

Regret. Oops. New pact.

Also on the level of anxiety inducing, is my work environment, which tends to be in a state of flux, at the moment. I have had the feeling for a while (obviously) that I would be changing courses in my career. I could/can feel this year is all about change. Big change. Changes. And one is upon me; I can feel it. (Much like how I can "feel" the cherub.) I have made changes in strides in my career the last few months, but recent news at work has inched my plans forward faster than I anticipated. I still have a choice, but I feel as though my life - love and money and career and happiness - is unchanging until I make this next stride. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" is a question I need to consider -- in general -- though I'm not quite sure what it all means. I'm moving forward, slowly, quietly; because I feel as though it is time: That this is a cloaked opportunity; that it was presented to me and I have to follow it - on my timeline. Now I just need to see where it goes; whatever that means - and honestly I don't know. But a quiet search will reveal the answers; this, I am sure of.

I tap the keys in a state of anxiety. A state of flux. A state of long-awaited and pandered decision. A state of disturbed happy. A state of hopeful and weary excitement. A state of change. A change, I feel, that will allow everything else to fall into place. Whatever that means. Where ever that takes me.