Part of – the majority of – the curious case of Vanilla
Robbins is that for the past four months, half the time I want to throw him out
of a window and half the time I mostly enjoy is company – as banal as it may be.
I was hanging out with my best Asian and Ginger last weekend when Ginger
exclaimed, “I read your post and I’m so happy for you!”
"What?" I responded, fairly confused. I had no idea what she was talking about until she informed me about reading my latest blog. I tried
to paint a fair and even portrait of Vanilla Bean, but what she seemed to read
was that I was falling for him. Not the case. Although, to be fair, she may
have just been hopeful he would be another man to keep me here like the Turk, because when we went to the basement a bit later to check out my camping
supplies, she broke down realizing I was actually leaving this time. Sorry Ging, Vanilla Robbins will not be keeping me here because he mostly still
drives me nuts.
Case and point: Friday. After a fairly obnoxious back and forth about dinner and the
fact that all I had to eat that day was grapes and that he picks the same fucking
three places to ask me out to dinner to, he suggests I pick somewhere. I said
mussels and gave three options (because I’m not paying, I don’t like to have
final say). After texting me, “You seem mad” and “I’ll eat dinner with you but
only if you’re pleasant,” we can say my hunger irritation hit a tip, but I keep my cool and he says he's on his way.
He comes over with a bottle of wine. Points for him! Only,
nope, no points. He refuses to open the wine before we go out. With all the
public transportation options, he wants to drive. I know what this means: this
means we’re going to dinner and coming straight back.
Hi. Hello? (Semi)Reformed party girl here. DO NOT send me out on
a weekend and not expect me to stay all night with vodka and dancing.
When we returned from dinner – over which he complained for
an hour about losing the password to his external hard drive – he took off his
shoes and plopped down on my bed. “It’s 10:30p! Don’t you want to go shoot pool
or something?” I asked.
“No, I’m old,” he responded, shifting his hands under his
head, which was now laying on my pillows.
“Well, I’m not,” I shot back, irritated at the drag down. “And
I don’t want to waste my life going to bed at 11pm on weekends!”
“Well,” he said in a baiting little huff, “I’m sorry that
you think spending time with me is a waste of your life.”
“WHOA THERE, LADY BITS,” I exclaimed, agitated and wondering how
men can accuse women of such melodramatics when this shit exists, “Don’t put
words in my mouth!”
I should also point out that he has begun to leave things
at my house. First, a contact case – because that doesn’t fit in his pocket?
And now, a travel bottle of saline – because I wear contacts and have plenty of
solution? Do people really do this: Leave a trail of their things to
try to establish – I don’t know, a territory? Don’t do this, people.
After taking a shower and going out for an hour for a boring dinner and directly returning home, I relented the fight and laid in bed. I put on a movie I’d already seen and poked around on my phone
a bit. That is, until he told me how rude it was. We weren’t talking. Or snogging.
We weren’t even touching. And yet, he had decided that the movie needed my undivided
attention. (Fast forward to Sunday and he’s on his computer while I’m at his
house, to which I point out it is the same thing he told me was “rude” two days
before.)
Now, let’s wake up on Saturday, shall we? Okay. 8am, which
if you know anything about me is a ridiculous hour for me to be awake at, but
considering I went to bed at fucking 11:30p, totally reasonable. Due to the fact
that he bitched about my TV being on when he was trying to sleep before, I got
up and left the room to watch TV while he was still in bed. I relocated to the living room with a cup of tea and
early morning television. An hour later he texts: “Where are you?"
“The living room.” So, naturally, he gets up and comes out
to the living room to say hello. Haha! I’m just kidding, no no, he texted me:
“Why?”
“Because I was done being in bed.” About 20 minutes later he
ambles out grumpy and grumbling. He asks (for the 9th) time if I wanted to drive three
hours to Busch Gardens that day, somehow expecting a different answer. When I
said no, he begrudgingly informs me he would be going and meeting up with
his brother and his brother’s kids there. Suddenly, it occurred to me that he
had been asking to go to Busch Gardens for weeks as a way to hoodwink me into
meeting his family. NOOOO THANKS, TRICKY BITS! A few minutes after that I get
ready for yoga; put on my shoes.
“Are you leaving?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“WELL THANKS FOR TELLING ME! I NEED TO GET MY STUFF
TOGETHER!”
“You know I go to yoga every Saturday at 10a. And you know
where the damn door is!”
“That’s not the point,” he said, as the lady bits fell back out
of his boxers.
“Oh my god,” I responded to myself, but loud enough for him
to hear. “This is fucking ridiculous” I said as I slammed the door shut behind
me.
![]() |
Ginger was there when these came though; she thought it hilarious enough to screenshot |
For the record, I came back with 10 more
dollars than I left with that night. Go me!
On my way home, Vanilla texted that he was at my favorite bar,
and not to waste and outfit (see: recovering party girl above), I went there, demanding a bourbon ice be waiting. I
ended up back at Vanilla’s house, but needed to get back in the morning. After a
quick hook and sporting some free shades, a black mini skirt, a large man's shirt turned inside out, and heels in hand, I walked back into my house at Sunday AM, greeting my friend from the night before who was in my bed.
Later in the day, with nothing better to do, I headed back
to his place. Laying on the couch, I was feeling a certain kind of way; asked
if he wanted to make out. (Hello. Dudes. ALWAYS SAY YES.) He said no. So I
took a nap. We woke up and went to dinner. Just after dinner was finished, he
said, “I have to go to the bathroom again.”
“Stop announcing it!” I pleaded. Then I sat there for 15
minutes while he pooped and I stared, embarrassed at a paid check,
contemplating leaving. This damn kid was seriously ALWAYS pooping and has
absolutely no poop etiquette: any single will tell you, you wait to
poop; hide it. It’s common damn courtesy. No romantic interest finds poop
appealing, mk. So, I was going to head home after that, but he offered a back
massage, which I’m never against (or so I thought). We went up to his place and I sat on the couch.
Moments later he said the most unattractive thing a man has ever said to me:
“My butthole hurts,” he announced without prompt.
"Why would you tell me that?!" I questioned in mild horror. I'm usually all about overshare but this crossed a line I didn't even know I had.
“It hurts because I pooped four times today.” And then he opened
his legs and patted the couch before him like this was a good
introduction to back massages and foreplay.
“No, I don’t want you to touch me now! Why would you tell me
that?!” I replied as I pulled a blanket tight around me.
“Because I pooped four times today,” he said as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.” I protested.
An hour later I left, still horrified, and as he tried to
kiss me goodbye, I couldn't.“I can’t kiss you; all I can think about is your butthole now.”
I opened the door as he tried to figure out if I was serious and continued with, “Just
so you know, the surest way to kill a lady boner is to talk about your
asshole. Byyyyeee.” As I walked out and down the hall, hoping desperately now to not go back.
26 comments:
So much win in this post.
I mean, I'm horrified for you, but this is golden. I thought I had bad luck, but this is just ridiculous.
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