Hours before I even heard back from the Turk last Friday, I sat at the end of a work day - considering driving home to Pennsylvania the next morning for 30 hours just to get my head together again - after
hours and hours days weeks of a distracted mind and a dull pain and and and I don't know self pity or something like it, in a moment of revelation I got monetarily sick of my own stupid thoughts and penned the bit below - clearly foreshadowing the douchey this-is-for-you bullshit non break up break up email that was to follow just hours later. (How do you like that run-on?) I did end up going home to find the comfort of family and try to clear my head of it all. But it is still taking time to feel normal again...I'm getting there.
oh god. what am i whining about? things didn't work out with this guy i barely knew? been there! i'm 31 and this isn't where i thought i'd be. so what! ask someone 40 and 31 is young. i'm young! whatever, young enough. these are the things i wanted - to fall on my face and make mistakes. and then i do and it gets to me and i bitch and when does it get easier. well i imagine nothing gets easier, just different; circumstances change and one thing you cried over gets resolved only to be presented with something else that sucks. there are good, good things here - this life of mine. yes, fine, i'm impatient and the same relationships and friends that sprinkle the path behind me are different; they've changed - or i've changed. but maybe that just means that life isn't as stagnant as i sit here frustratingly accuse if of being. everything is fine. i have got to calm down. it's a long and winding road. and if something is no longer on it, it wasn't meant to be.
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