He said something like, "That's fine. But it was more than that. You were a bitch."
"I was?"
"Ya. Total."
I stopped to think and responded, "Well, I was in a relationship that was falling apart."
He said I was rationalizing. I don't think so. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that last year - when I was meeting all these people - I wasn't who I am.
The first half of last year was, perhaps, the most desperate time of my life. It was falling apart. I was falling apart. I was fighting with part of myself that was telling me to stay and searching for the strength to leave. In a final appeal for strength, I took a sign from a Post Secret card that read: It's okay to leave. The time is now. And I did.
***
My family doesn't talk much about personal problems. We tend to be our own little islands; for some reason we think we can deal with everything ourselves. But we can't. For example, we went to my sister's wedding last May - in the midst of our failing relationship - and no one in my family asked what was going on between us (and I didn't tell). This past weekend, my sister told me that everyone was too afraid to ask. (Afraid of what?!) At the start of the trip I complained to my family about him being difficult, but with no further inquiries. Other than that, we got along that weekend; in fact, he thought our relationship was back on track when we got home. It wasn't back on track; we had derailed too far. And I think it really hit him then - perhaps both of us - when he thought we were in love again and I broke the news that we'd likely never be. I'm not sure when my family discovered it was over. I'm not sure when my friends knew either. Five years and my heart was breaking. I was angry. I was miserable. I was sad. And I was alone. Sobbing on a weekly basis. (And I never cry.)
I didn't have anyone to help; it was just me to cope. Me as my own island and the cause of my sorrows living on it. Difficult doesn't begin to explain it.
***
A few days ago my mom said, "depressed people will rub off on you and make you depressed". I realize that's true. People can change you. Situations can change you. And it's hard to see when you're standing in the middle of it all screaming silently for any help, sign or strength to do...something. Anything.I don't know how I did it. Moreover, I don't know how we lived with one another for six months after breaking up. It was probably one of the bravest, stupidest and most eye-opening experiences of my life. And I can't thank those enough who were there for me in the small moments they were: Those moments were bigger to me in that time than you may ever know. And it is because of them that, one year later, I have returned to who I used to be. The girl that laughs, loves and makes a million mistakes all by herself.
It has been a journey. Nothing about it has been easy. My Dearest Ex, I love(d) our friendship, but I hope that you, like me, are doing well and laughing again. I hope you are back to who you used to be. I hope we're better versions of the people we fell in love with. And I hope that your old friends and your new friends understand that who you were last year isn't who you are in life. And love you anyway.
6 comments:
ralph lauren outlet, http://www.ralphlaurenoutlet.in.net/
futbol baratas, http://www.futbol-baratas.com/
oakley sunglasses, http://www.oakleysunglasses-outlet.us.com/
lululemon outlet, http://www.lululemonoutletstore.in.net/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.raybansunglass.co.uk/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.raybansunglass.com.au/
north face jackets, http://www.thenorthfaces.in.net/
coach outlet online, http://www.coachoutletonline.in.net/
ralph lauren, http://www.poloralphlaurenoutlet.it/
oakley sunglasses, http://www.wholesaleoakleysunglasses.us.com/
true religion jeans, http://www.truereligionjean.in.net/
pandora jewelry, http://www.pandorajewelryoutlet.us.com/
louis vuitton handbags, http://www.louisvuittonhandbags.org.uk/
swarovski outlet, http://www.swarovski-outlet.co.uk/
tory burch outlet, http://www.toryburchoutletonline.in.net/
oakley sunglasses wholesale, http://www.oakleysunglasseswholesale.us.com/
nike huarache, http://www.nike-airhuarache.co.uk/
hollister uk, http://www.hollistershirts.co.uk/
oakley outlet, http://www.oakleyoutlet.in.net/
michael kors handbags, http://www.michaelkorshandbag.co.uk/
oakley sunglasses, http://www.oakleysunglassesdiscount.us.com/
louis vuitton handbags, http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutlet.co.uk/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.ray-bansunglassess.in.net/
dansko outlet, http://www.dansko-shoes.us/
coach outlet, http://www.coachoutletstores.com.co/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.ray-bansunglasses.eu.com/
air max 2014, http://www.airmax2014.net/
cheap nba jerseys, http://www.nbajerseys.net/
0922maoqiuyun
canada goose jackets
louis vuitton handbags
michael kors outlet
michael kors factory outlet
ray ban sunglasses
christian louboutin uk
tiffany jewellery
herve leger outlet
chanel handbags
tory burch outlet
uggs on sale
ralph lauren uk
designer handbags
kobe bryant shoes
michael kors outlet
true religion jeans
true religion jeans
canada goose jackets
canada goose outlet
coach outlet online
juicy couture outlet
michael kors outlet
tory burch outlet
beats by dr dre
ugg outlet
cheng1118
michael kors handbags outlet
ralph lauren outlet
oakley canada
ralph lauren polo
ferragamo outlet
basketball shoes
air max 90
ralph lauren polo
fitflops sale
christian louboutin outlet
mulberry handbags
coach handbags
rolex watches
true religion jeans
longchamp solde
michael kors outlet
mont blanc pens
ralph lauren outlet
mulberry outlet,mulberry handbags outlet
longchamp outlet
true religion outlet uk
bottega veneta outlet online
chrome hearts outlet
nike blazer pas cher
fitflops clearance
babyliss flat iron
true religion jeans
mcm backpack
michael kors handbags
christian louboutin shoes
michael kors outlet
pandora outlet
michael kors outlet
chrome hearts outlet
nike air huarache
20160601caihuali
toms outlet
louis vuitton outlet
ralph lauren polo
louis vuitton outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet
hermes bag
ralph lauren
michael kors handbags
louis vuitton
coach factory outlet
true religion outlet
louis vuitton handbags
tiffany outlet
adidas stan smith
michael kors outlet online
adidas shoes
giuseppe zanotti sneakers
coach factory outlet
louis vuitton handbags
oakley sunglasses
adidas outlet store
oakley sunglasses
beats headphones
louis vuitton outlet
ray ban sunglasses
kate spade
fake watches
coach outlet
kevin durant shoes 8
nike roshe flyknit
ed hardy clothing
lebron james shoes 12
michael kors outlet
coach outlet store online clearances
jordan 11s
coach outlet
giuseppe zanotti
kate spade
cheap oakley sunglasses
ray ban sunglasses
20167.27wengdongdong
ray ban sunglasses
new york jets jerseys
browns jerseys
burberry outlet
cincinnati bengals jerseys
uggs outlet
christian louboutin shoes
ugg boots uk
tiffany jewellery
converse shoes
mcm outlet
nike cortez
cheap pandora jewelry
adidas adizero f50
toms uk
ray ban sunglasses
michael kors handbags
michael kors tote bag
michael kors handbags
nike roshe run
20173.17wengdongdong
Post a Comment