Friday, March 16, 2012

Stranger Cuddlebuddies and Resolves

I awoke on Sunday with the feeling there was a person in my bed beside me: My girlfriends and I went out the night before, so I figured one it was one of them, but the more I woke up the less that made sense. I turn over and there is a rather tall guy sleeping beside me. Odd it was, I know we didn't make out (i think?) or hook up (i know) or etc. etc. In the future, I would hear we cuddled. I'm so buying this shirt.

Suppose I didn't go to sleep until about 6am, as I texted a girlfriend at 5:42am. So, with the time change, I didn't get up until 11:30 and he had to jet to get back to the hotel with his friends so they could leave (as he lives in my home city). Random. Even more random is that evidently we met because I was sitting on a curb outside the bars alone - my girlfriends tried to get me in their cab, but I guess I wanted to get back to my bed. I hear I told him he could come with me, but none of his other friends could. I have no idea why and we both were baffled by how he ended up in my bed.

I am not a hook-up girl. I'm don't sleep around. But apparently, I like to cuddle with strangers. Or at least offer a bed to ones that otherwise have to sleep on a hotel floor. What?! He was cute ... and 6'8".

So he leaves, but before he does he lies there for a minute playing "Draw Something" and I love Pictionary and got excited and "I want to play too!". So I downloaded it and started a game and he left. About an hour later he asked for my number via the Pictionary game and we spend the next day plus trying to text one another while conversing via "drawing" our words and phone numbers. I found this to be rather amusing.

In the meantime, I tell a guy friend (known henceforth as P.I. - and here's why:) who went to the same school as this kid, that he was a football player there. Forgetting that was his Alma Mater, and having only details like his nickname and age, my friend decided he wanted to investigate. I said okay and if he found a picture I could confirm. Wouldn't you know, not 10 minutes later he knew the kid's name and had a photo and everything. Internets, you amuse me!

So here's where to story goes south. While finally figuring out how to text one another by Tuesday, HG finally chats me on his own after about two months. Remember, I'm just getting my mojo back, but I was okay with lighthearted talk. I like to be friends with people I've dated; I thought I was in a good place to be friendly. Then, I found out the football play guy (FG) grew up in the same area and 'what a hoot it would be if they went to high school together', I thought. So I went on facebook to look at HG's high school - (not the same, by the way) and saw a post by an girl on HGs wall about something I gave him. It struck a cord. Hard. And I was surprised I was so taken back.

With that reaction I realized I was in no position to play the friend card. I mentioned that to him and he told me it was a friend's girlfriend. That wasn't the point; the point was that it bothered me - I needed space until I didn't feel like that again. I didn't want this to end up like another pink elephant situation: Where I feel there is a possibility of 'us' and I'm blindsided by finality. So I said I didn't think I could be friends and he seemed hurt I wanted to walk away (and judging from my past, if I walk away, there's no turning back). I was trying to find a compromise (since I hadn't wanted him to be silent from the start), trying to be understood, trying to explain myself - trying to offer information he didn't have so maybe it could make sense. Everything got lost in translation.  And I think both of us went from thinking there was a 50/50 chance of the timing being right and us trying it out when we both have our shit together again (because, if anything, this showed me I have my shit less together than he does. I didn't realized how intertwined I'd let the two situations get in my head. I'd never really recovered from the PE. I thought I had; but the fears of how it made me feel still linger, it seems. Admitting a failed relationship has come to prove far easier to process than getting the wool pulled over your eyes; getting conned when you swore watching you dickhole of a dad taught you how to not get played over.), to a 2 to 5% chance.

I'm upset I was completely misunderstood. I wanted to wait until I returned from New Zealand; until my head was clear again to try to form a friendship with him and see if anything happened from there. But the events stacked up so ill-timed this week that it's hard not to think the universe is speaking again. And this time it says, "move on". So while the miscommunication and tragedy of being completely misunderstood (thanks mercury in retrograde, as it jacks up communication) sucks, I wonder if this is better in the end, because if releases my heart of the hope that stood in the way of me recollecting myself, then that's a really good thing.

I'm always so busy standing in my own way all the time. Analyzing everything. Worrying about things that I can't control. Trying to fix everything. Trying to help everyone (that I don't have the time to notice that maybe I'm broken too). I hope I can let go of these. And regain my confidence and not get lost in someone else's shit everytime things aren't perfect: If someone doesn't make me feel good, I don't have a purpose for them in my life. There's no need for bad energy or hurt feelings without resolve.

I resolve to be better. I resolve to remain to myself until October. I resolve to find my footing and not let anyone let me lose it. I resolve to let things go and faster. I resolve to not hold on to what I shouldn't. I resolve to let myself be free. I resolve.

‎"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison: That's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life." .MG. 

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