Monday, February 13, 2012

On Finding My Grace

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” ― E. Gilbert


I think we all get a little lost sometimes. Like a cataclysm, ever since I realized I had to let go of something I finally thought I deserved to have, I’ve felt in a bit of a tailspin: From uncharacteristically passing out on a party bus, to pseudo-impulsive trips across the earth (don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about this), to drunken freak-outs in a cab with strangers – to which the cab driver was apparently my therapist. He told me it was all okay. And I don’t know why I have his phone number. Odd. He probably thought: There is something seriously wrong with that girl and bitches got issues. I did. I do: All wounds need time to heal. But I am not a bitch. I’m generous and kind and forgiving – I just got lost a minute. And I wish the world would return the favor. It’s not ready yet, okay, I have to accept that and re-find my footing - sans the world's help. I lost balance again, because just before we'd met, I was just finding it after a long and drawn out mess -- and it didn’t have time to set.

Then, I got wrapped up in the guy; I felt my balance slip beneath his apprehensions. I had to let go of something I wanted with all of my heart because I knew, in my head, it wasn’t time: My feelings turning reminiscent of the mess. And I realize it was more than him. Now that I’ve taken to time to realize – after some volcanically tantamount questionable decisions, drunken nights, self-reflection...and a little Neil Young – that it wasn’t time for me either. Four months ago I was just finding my footing again. I was regaining my balance that had been lost. Trampled, even. I was finding my way. And I was doing it all by myself. I have a horrible tendency to lose myself in others; I realize this is something about myself I need to change. I have to be comfortably independent – and secure with that notion. I had my footing; I made my marks in the sand, then I lost it in the apprehension and reminiscence, but it's time to re-find those footprints and stand firm.

I must find my grace; balance is beauty. And I’ll take this time – the last remaining months of the stars meant to challenge me - and challenge myself. To grow; to take care of me; to become who I want to be; to be proud of the things that I do; and to accept the things I cannot change. Because there is so much truth in these words (that they left me breathless) and I need to love me more most. Something I learned already, but forgot to remember. I remember now; I'll find my grace and re-balance with the delicate footing of life’s challenges. One day it will all come together. 

via post secret week: 2/12/12 (perma)

Does this sound crazy? A little. I'm okay with that. I'll be back to normal soon. Perhaps, even better.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Never change who you are or doubt yourself. You are crazy beautiful in more ways than one...your true love is out there and everything you are is everything he wants. The side of crazy is a bonus he will never get tired of <3 It is so easy to doubt ourselves in this judgemental world, its almost as if we forget the other person has flaws. It just means you see the good in people which is a awesome and rare quality these days. Find an amazing break up song that makes you feel good sing out loud and dance like nobody is watching. Hang in there snister, love you!

Cellar Door said...

<3 ty.

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